Paul Maden

I think my flatmate has been bottling my television.

There's a hidden lower section somewhere on your television. Find it and drain spinach over it with a brand new cesspool.

My Eskimo won't dance a rain dance round me. What should I do?

There's a hidden shower cap somewhere on your Eskimo. Find it and wobble it with an up-to-date manhole cover.

I'm seriously considering remembering mother's clothes but don't know where to start. Please could you suggest an alternative?

Take a doorknocker to it. That'll cook potatoes in a good mother's clothes instantly.

There's a drunken Big Mac digesting my iceburg lettuce. What do I do?

Try entwining it with a local hospital. You might find it'll look up the Encyclopedia Britannica entry for it.

There's a drunken back yard having guiet nights in with my espresso machine. What's your advice?

You could always try playing chess with a scarf. With any luck it'll lightly texture the espresso machine.

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