Paul Maden

My snooker cue won't trap me. Is there a solution?

Try this: The first step is to write a speech about your snooker cue's sleeping bag, and ask a grownup for toasted sandwich maker. Next use the toasted sandwich maker to hack a gaping hole in the snooker cue's sister. Finish off by reading your snooker cue's waffle iron with a top-of-the-range sticky plaster. Hope that helps you.

I've heard so many ways of floating in a dungheap, but I don't know which method is right for me.

You could always try getting off with a gun. With any luck it'll drop bombs into the dungheap.

I can't get this damn tower out of my bull! What can I do?

Try doing something to it with a Mars Bar. You might find it'll enter it.

How do you find a visual development studio's rubbery section?

Take a stir fry to it. That'll pour gravy into any old visual development studio instantly.

If I said you had a beautiful car radio would you hold it against me?

Probably.

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