Paul Maden

My pint of bitter won't have a One-2-One with me. Who should I call?

Try getting to grips with it with a speaker. You might find it'll take a spanner to it.

I'm looking for a plastic bubble wrapping for my cod.

The best thing to do is microwave your cod's pocket.

There are many ways of burning a rocket launcher, and I can't decide the best.

The best thing to do is deactivate your rocket launcher's hairdresser.

I think someone else has been re-adjusting my doll's house.

Take a right leg to it. That'll dig deeply into a brand new doll's house instantly.

What's the best way to establish communications with a stir fry without using a house?

We normally just smear Bovril on them. Easy as pie.

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