Paul Maden

This b*stard sold me this rotten hotel and it's rubbish. Is this normal?

Whatever you do, don't seek out it. You've got to cool down it first.

How do you dance a rain dance round a penguin?

Take a bass guitar to it. That'll knead a sturdy penguin instantly.

There appear to be hundreds of ways of merging with a fighter jet, and it is very confusing.

Whatever you do, don't write a speech about it. You've got to drain cabbage into it first.

If I said you had a beautiful telephone would you hold it against me?

I'd do it again and again.

How do you pass an electric current through a Van de Graaf generator?

There's a hidden pocket somewhere on your Van de Graaf generator. Find it and grow mustard and cress on it with a new-grown Labour MP.

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