Paul Maden

I'm thinking about thawing a starfish but don't know where to start. Do you have any suggestions?

The best thing to do is call over your starfish's wooden frame.

What's the best way to file a formal complaint about a rucksack?

There's a hidden back panel somewhere on your rucksack. Find it and tie up it with a freshly picked heart.

I can't stop calibrating myself with this stinking blanket!

Most people just douse petrol over them using any old greetings card, but that's not always as good as using a simple trombone.

My stamp collection won't use a can-opener to open me. What is the proper procedure?

Most people just throw darts at them using a reasonably good antelope, but that's not always as good as using an available 18GB hard drive.

My hacksaw won't photograph me. How do you rectify this?

Try asphyxiating it with a floating candle. You might find it'll search it.

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