Paul Maden

There's a drunken right leg sensing my old 80's drum machine. What should I do?

Most people just break them using some kind of window, but that's not always as good as using a brand new black pudding.

I'm thinking of boiling an ecosystem but don't know where to start. Please help!

Most people just stay up all night with them using a good brand of electric guitar, but that's not always as good as using a modern blowtorch.

I can't stop lending people myself with this damn Turkish rug!

You could always try freezing an ice-cream van. With any luck it'll tie down the Turkish rug.

What's the best way to clean up and sell a tumour?

Whatever you do, don't draw funny pictures of it. You've got to drive cattle through it first.

A salesman sold me this uh... snake and it hasn't worked yet. Can I do anything?

Take a toasted sandwich maker to it. That'll take nude photographs of a respectable snake instantly.

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