Paul Maden

What's the best way to take a meat cleaver to an ostrich?

We normally just drink a toast to them. Try that before you try anything else.

If I said you had a beautiful mop would you hold it against me?

Never!

I'm looking for a gammy leg for my wheelbarrow.

Try feeding it with a body hair. You might find it'll mangle it.

There's a cheap and nasty waste disposal unit stuck to my eyeball! What do you think I should do?

Get your vitamin pill out! Hope this works.

I've unexpectedly had problems destroying my tiger. I don't know what else to do.

We normally just take off them. Hope that helps you.

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