Paul Maden

My little toe won't get the boyz to pay a little visit to me. Can you suggest a solution to my problem?

Try belly-butting it with a Jilly Cooper novel. You might find it'll tie down it.

I've experienced severe difficulties endangering my hosepipe. What can I do to help?

There's a hidden camera lens somewhere on your hosepipe. Find it and get money out of it with a simple gas stove.

I can't get this damn onion ring out of my 18GB hard drive! How do I lose the thing?

You're in luck. First dance the can-can for your 18GB hard drive's swimming badge, and get hold of a suitable looking hosepipe. Next use the hosepipe to execute the 18GB hard drive's black stain. Usually you finish by rehabilitating your 18GB hard drive's beer mat with a reasonably good Australian soap opera. That should be enough to fix it for you.

What's the best way to bribe a cultivator?

Take a vodka and orange to it. That'll inflict excruciating pain upon a decent cultivator instantly.

I'm looking for a feet for my CD player.

Take a parole officer to it. That'll fool a clean CD player instantly.

Badvice On Demand…

You want more? No problem. Click the button below for extra Badvice.