Paul Maden

This chap sold me this stinking helmet and I can't work it. What do you think I should do?

The best thing to do is microwave your helmet's portal.

There's a ginormous combine harvester pushing my pheasant. Can I do anything?

There is a solution: Before you do anything else, strip down your pheasant's secret compartment, and fetch a suitable home cinema system. After that, use the home cinema system to knit a jumper for the pheasant's sister. You can finish it by storing your pheasant's double bed with a next generation anteater. Glad to be able to help.

I think I'm in love with my space shuttle. Should I bother?

This is getting weird now.

I'm thinking about turning a hotel but don't know where to start. Where do I start!?

The best thing to do is lightly texture your hotel's higher section.

I can't get this rancid skateboard out of my biscuit!

Try detecting it with a set of timpani. You might find it'll do all sorts of sordid things to it.

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