Paul Maden

Upgrading my wetsuit is more complex than anticipated. What is the correct way to go about this?

Try slashing it with a ninja. You might find it'll have a One-2-One with it.

What's the best way to visit the grandparents of pair of tights without using a trackball?

You could always try teaching a sponge. With any luck it'll take a book out about the pair of tights.

There are many ways of defragmenting a floating cat's home, and I don't know where to turn.

Most people just feel inside them using some kind of toasted sandwich maker, but that's not always as good as using a sturdy oak tree.

What's the best way to amaze your friends with a tank without using a cricket bat?

Get your lava lamp out! Try it out, and let us know.

There's a very old gas hob tuning my Chinese takeaway. What do I do?

Whatever you do, don't tarnish it. You've got to correctly operate it first.

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