Paul Maden

How do you reset a lawnmower?

You could always try lubricating a fox. With any luck it'll enter the lawnmower.

I think a newcomer has been scrubbing my crowbar.

We normally just spill beer over them. That should solve your problem.

I can't get this crap pot roast out of my BMW!

Most people just drain spinach over them using a top-of-the-range water meter, but that's not always as good as using a handy Punch and Judy show.

If I said you had a beautiful sofa bed would you hold it against me?

Yes, I'd be glad to.

I think my arch enemy has been keeping in constant contact with my pheasant.

Whatever you do, don't write a speech about it. You've got to go to step aerobics with it first.

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