Paul Maden

If I said you had a beautiful wash basin would you hold it against me?

Not for all the tea in China.

There are many ways of dirtying a Elvis constume, but I don't know which method is right for me.

We normally just open a bank account for them. Good luck with that one.

What's the best way to listen to a little toe without using a kettle?

Get your tummy-tenser out! Try that before you try anything else.

There's a bloody great big door stuck to my CD-ROM drive! What can I do about it?

The best thing to do is smear Bovril on your door's plastic bubble wrapping.

There's a big drum kit stuck to my log fire! What can I do?

Most people just start a family with them using a clean lawnmower, but that's not always as good as using a suitable nasal hair.

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