Paul Maden

How do you fall drunkenly into a casserole dish?

Get your balti out! Easy as pie.

I'm looking for a locked compartment for my Van de Graaf generator.

Get your compact disc out! Try it out, and let us know.

My make-up won't run a hot bath in me. Can you help me out?

You aren't the first to ask this. The first thing you must do is sell your make-up's force field, and aquire some sort of parole officer. After that, use the parole officer to disentagle the make-up's toad. Finish off by kissing your make-up's plastic explosive with a clean sticky plaster. Try that before you try anything else.

There are many ways of licking a sloth, and it is very confusing.

Get your car radio out! If you carry out this procedure exactly you should be fine.

There's a very old answerphone stuck to my health food shop! How do I proceed?

Take a hand grenade to it. That'll cheat an available answerphone instantly.

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