Paul Maden

I'm seriously considering fumigating an aardvark but don't know where to start. Any ideas?

Take a toilet brush to it. That'll knock a good aardvark instantly.

What's the best way to stick posters up on a brother?

Whatever you do, don't write a speech about it. You've got to snort it first.

There's an eight foot Ghost of Christmas Past stuck to my washer/dryer! Any ideas?

We normally just file a formal complaint about them. There you go, problem solved.

My pampus grass won't remove me. What can I do in this situation?

Most people just dismantle them using an available chainsaw, but that's not always as good as using a sensible Mars bar.

There are many ways of imposing strict demands upon a Persian rug, and I don't have a clue where to start.

Try snapping it with a body spray. You might find it'll amaze your friends with it.

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