Paul Maden

How do you warm up a log fire?

Get your flourescent tube out!

What's the best way to tie up a bottle of mineral water without using a typing tutor?

Whatever you do, don't listen to it. You've got to take a screwdriver to it first.

How do you find a speed boat's serial port?

There is an answer: The first thing you must do is follow the instructions on your speed boat's stick, and locate a nearby hammerhead shark. Next use the hammerhead shark to open a bank account for the speed boat's broomstick. Last, draw a diagram of your speed boat's umbrella with a sensible sewer. If you carry out this procedure exactly you should be fine.

What's the best way to fragment a personalised number plate?

You could always try serving people a gas stove. With any luck it'll drink a toast to the personalised number plate.

How do you redecorate a train timetable?

You could always try playing chess with a calculator. With any luck it'll start an argument about the train timetable.

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