Paul Maden

There's an eight foot calculator stuck to my wheelbarrow! What can I do?

You could always try getting planning permission for a cricket bat. With any luck it'll modify the calculator.

What's the best way to buy a replacement for an answerphone?

There's a hidden blue area somewhere on your answerphone. Find it and tell stories around the camp fire about it with a modern anticeptic.

How do you find a coffee shop's doorway?

There's a hidden rubber grip somewhere on your coffee shop. Find it and undress it with a sensible underwear.

What's the best way to tell your friends about a different kind of love without using a biscuit?

We normally just amaze your friends with them. If you carry out this procedure exactly you should be fine.

I can't get this awful Commodore Amiga out of my cesspit! How do I lose the thing?

First dig deeply into your cesspit's circuit board, and fetch a suitable rug. Then use the rug to switch off the cesspit's body lotion. Then, get the boyz to pay a little visit to your cesspit's hair brush with a decent emery board. Neat, eh?

Badvice On Demand…

You want more? No problem. Click the button below for extra Badvice.