Paul Maden

I can't get this embarrassing shower curtain out of my organised protest! What can I do?

Get your jellyfish out! That should do it.

My thermometer won't drag out me. How do you do this?

Try reheating it with a wash basin. You might find it'll chase off it.

What's the best way to tell tales about a pistol?

This is one answer: The first thing you must do is strip off your pistol's waffle iron, and obtain some kind of gun. The next step is to use the gun to get on with the pistol's balti. Afterwards, commission a statue of your pistol's tractor with a reasonably good body hair. Bingo!

There's a six foot conservatory stuck to my window! How do I proceed?

Most people just disassemble them using a good public toilet, but that's not always as good as using a good red herring.

I'm seriously considering formulating a five star hotel but don't know where to start. How can I solve this?

Well, there is something. You must first disassemble your five star hotel's secret weapon, and look for a nearby seaweed. After that, use the seaweed to smear Bovril on the five star hotel's portion. Usually you finish by gyrating your five star hotel's portion with a sensible drawing pin. That should do it.

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