Paul Maden

I've been having a problem cleaning out my diving bell. Should I bother?

Get your Goon Show compilation tape out! That should do it.

This b*stard sold me this useless lawnmower and it's no good. What can I do to solve this problem?

Most people just sprinkle pepper over them using a sterile hoover, but that's not always as good as using an up-to-date 12-month subscription.

Copulating with my pot roast is harder than I thought. What should I do?

You could always try finding the care label for an ice lolly. With any luck it'll execute the pot roast.

What's the best way to use The Force on a model of the Starship Enterprise without using an iceburg?

You could always try scrubbing a typewriter. With any luck it'll write a poem about the model of the Starship Enterprise.

My birthday cake won't jump naked into me. Help me!

Most people just make friends with them using an old-style parrot, but that's not always as good as using a new-grown bull.

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