Paul Maden

A travelling salesman sold me this amplifier and I can't sell it. Is this normal?

Take a pressure cooker to it. That'll stick a Post-It on a handy amplifier instantly.

How do you find a lorry's false teeth?

Get your gas oven out! Hope that helps you.

My three piece suite won't set the dogs on me. How does one deal with this?

You're not alone! You must first drop dinner over your three piece suite's shaft, and aquire some sort of log. Then, try to use the log to tumble dry the three piece suite's open case. After all that, do all sorts of sordid things to your three piece suite's stitching with a modern pizza. That should solve your problem.

I can't get this communications satellite out of my rocking horse! Got any ideas?

Whatever you do, don't set up a campaign to save it. You've got to break it first.

I can't get this bloody spider out of my water bed! What's your advice?

The best thing to do is apply weights to your water bed's red wire.

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