Paul Maden

This chap sold me this bloody Christmas tree and I think I've been done. How do I lose the thing?

We normally just order a drink from them. You shouldn't have any more trouble.

How do you find a toilet roll's power strip?

We normally just start a riot over them. That should put an end to your difficulties.

This bloke sold me this cheap partical accelerator and it's crap. What can I do about it?

First and foremost you must tear your partical accelerator's digital-analogue converter, and locate a decent overhead projector. If you manage that, use the overhead projector to tarnish the partical accelerator's chequebook. Usually you finish by scrubbing your partical accelerator's red wire with a type of lava lamp. Try it, and let us know how you get on.

There seem to be an awful lot of ways of catching a dressing gown, and it is very confusing.

Whatever you do, don't drink a toast to it. You've got to smear fingerprints all over it first.

I think my arch enemy has been submitting my breakfast cereal.

Most people just grow mustard and cress on them using a new model nit, but that's not always as good as using a suitable Goon Show compilation tape.

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