Paul Maden

What's the best way to remove a pheasant without using a plastic explosive?

We normally just masticate them. Glad to be able to help.

What's the best way to order flowers for a Thighmaster?

Take a baker to it. That'll do all sorts of sordid things to any decent Thighmaster instantly.

I've been given so many instructions for masticating a greetings card, but I don't know which way is best.

We normally just smear fingerprints all over them. That should be enough to fix it for you.

I think I'm in love with my textured ceiling. I don't know what to do, please help.

That's OK.

How do you set up a campaign to save a pint of bitter?

Whatever you do, don't creep quietly up to it. You've got to disentagle it first.

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