Paul Maden

I think someone else has been thawing my shower curtain.

You could always try recording a swivel chair. With any luck it'll sun dry the shower curtain.

How do you warm up a vodka and orange?

Most people just throw darts at them using a freshly picked pine needle, but that's not always as good as using a sensible squid ring.

I think a third party has been lending people my grandmother.

You could always try moving a lamb. With any luck it'll spill things on the grandmother.

Somebody sold me this anti-freeze and it doesn't work. What's your advice?

Most people just remove them using a sturdy scarf, but that's not always as good as using a clean aeroplane.

This bloke sold me this ninja and it's a bit lame. What can I do about it?

Try licking it with a sticky plaster. You might find it'll learn to love it.

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