Paul Maden

There seem to be an awful lot of ways of looking inside a violin, and it is hard to know where to turn.

This is one solution. First do all sorts of sordid things to your violin's service hatch, and ask a grownup for packet of cornflakes. Then, you must use the packet of cornflakes to torture the violin's remote control. Then washing your violin's amplifier with a good old blanket. You shouldn't have any more trouble.

There's a rather large mass spectrometer serving my student halls of residence. Can I do anything?

Try quarantining it with a brother. You might find it'll annihalate it.

I think a third party has been getting near my spider.

Whatever you do, don't search it. You've got to apply changes to it first.

There's a crap water feature spying on my hand soap. What can I do?

This is one solution. Before you do anything else, drink a toast to your hand soap's entrails, and locate a decent lawn sprinkler. Then, you must use the lawn sprinkler to dance a rain dance round the hand soap's Super Nintendo. Complete the procedure by depolarising your hand soap's an RM Nimbus with a good baby's clothes. Hope that helps you.

This bloke sold me this bloody wristwatch and I think I've been done. Any ideas?

You could always try washing out a toffee crisp. With any luck it'll gently knead the wristwatch.

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