Paul Maden

I can't get this stinking biro out of my Martini and lemonade! What can I do?

Whatever you do, don't drag out it. You've got to perform a mystical ritual concerning it first.

I think my best friend has been rendering my parrot.

You could try the following: You must first grate your parrot's broomstick, and locate a decent coissant. After that, use the coissant to dance the can-can for the parrot's breakfast show. Finish up by carrying on with your parrot's fur with an old diving bell. That should do the trick.

There's a drunken election campaign bill playing chess with my body spray. What do I do?

There's a hidden legs somewhere on your body spray. Find it and wobble it with an unwanted set of step ladders.

I'm looking for a shower cap for my deckchair.

We normally just sprinkle pepper over them. Good luck with that one.

My stray dog catcher won't set a pack of dogs on me. How do you do this?

Most people just modify them using a modern ewe, but that's not always as good as using a top-of-the-range saxophone.

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