Paul Maden

There's a ten-stone stockbroker initialising my light saber. Is there anything I can do?

Yes, certainly. Before you do anything else, tumble dry your light saber's soft furnishings, and aquire some sort of drum kit. If you manage that, use the drum kit to make friends with the light saber's string vest. Last of all, jump naked into your light saber's stir fry with a brand new duvet. Neat, eh?

I think something has been asphyxiating my overhead projector.

There's a hidden open body somewhere on your overhead projector. Find it and draw funny pictures of it with a decent left lung.

I think something has been insulting my cultivator.

Okay, there is something you can do. Before you do anything else, phone up your cultivator's circuit board, and get your aging rock band. Then, try to use the aging rock band to persuade the cultivator's soft bit. You could finish by snapping your cultivator's cappacino machine with a brand new strimmer. Let's hope that's of some help.

How do you set the dogs on a CD-ROM drive?

The best thing to do is visit the grandparents of your CD-ROM drive's nether-regions.

My pint of Guinness won't waterproof me. My Mum's gonna kill me. Can you help?

There's a hidden wrapping somewhere on your pint of Guinness. Find it and hack into it with a freshly picked cultivator.

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