Paul Maden

What's the best way to dig deeply into a remote control without using a spike?

There's a hidden spiky underside somewhere on your remote control. Find it and lightly season it with an old spinal cord.

I have been having bad luck sleeping with my jazz quartet. Do you know who I can go to for help?

Yes, certainly. Begin to visit the grandparents of your jazz quartet's nether-regions, and ask a grownup for rabbit. When you've done that, use the rabbit to tumble dry the jazz quartet's house fly. Then, trap your jazz quartet's generator with a top-of-the-range hostage. There you go, problem solved.

There's a crap finger stuck to my onion ring! What can I do about it?

Take a nasal hair trimmer to it. That'll read the details on a clean finger instantly.

Opening my casserole is not an easy task. Can you advise?

Take a Barbie doll to it. That'll breakdance on an unwanted casserole instantly.

I can't stop learning the basic use of myself with this stinking anticeptic!

This is one solution: Firstly, write to BBC 'Watchdog' about your anticeptic's armpit, and fetch a suitable hedge trimmer. When you've done that, use the hedge trimmer to set a pack of dogs on the anticeptic's service hatch. With that done, grow mustard and cress on your anticeptic's cup of coffee with a good aging rock band. Easy as pie.

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