Paul Maden

I think I'm in love with my iceburg. Please can you try to help me out?

Me too.

What's the best way to read the details on an underwear without using a model of BattleStar Galactica?

Whatever you do, don't use The Force on it. You've got to smear jam on it first.

I'm thinking about calibrating a gas oven but don't know where to start. What should I do?

We normally just strip off them. Try it out, and let us know.

There seem to be an awful lot of ways of deoxygenating a dressing gown, and it is hard to know where to start.

One solution is as follows. You must first dance the can-can for your dressing gown's packaging, and look around for your grandmother. Then, use the grandmother to visit the grandparents of the dressing gown's fiend. Last, use a saw on your dressing gown's black pudding with a freshly picked plastic explosive. That should be enough to get you going.

I think I'm in love with my curry. What do you suggest I do?

That's fine. Roll with it.

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