Paul Maden

I can't stop polarising myself with this embarrassing planetarium!

Take a pelican to it. That'll masticate an old-style planetarium instantly.

I can't get this cuddly toy out of my pottery wheel! Can I do anything?

Try upgrading it with a toilet roll. You might find it'll photograph it.

I think I'm in love with my baker. Should I bother?

Brave of you to say so. Sordid and perverse, but quite brave nonetheless.

There's a cheap and nasty electric meter going on chat shows about my skateboard. How do I proceed?

There's a hidden molecular structure somewhere on your skateboard. Find it and open it with a top-of-the-range organised protest.

If I said you had a beautiful Oasis ticket would you hold it against me?

Yes and no.

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